Downer Alert! I wrote this post last night, and after re-reading it this morning, I think it's only fair to warn you ahead of time that it's depressing. Don't say I didn't warn you!
It occurs to me that I might not be able to move forward in life, because there are so many things dragging me backward, things that have happened that I haven't moved away from--anchors. Death has created a petrified forest of anchors for me. The death of my husband, Jim Begier, has been a huge monolith, looming over everything in my life since he died so suddenly, so senselessly, so cataclysmically. What would my life have been like if he hadn't been ripped away from me? From my son, Ben? Friends and family were/are, caring, loving, but their own pain and loss left them stunned, helpless, speechless. Seeing my devastation must have been almost unbearable for them. So, I forced myself to be fine. I'm okay. I have to move on...deal with it...he's never coming back, and I have to live anyway. I have to take care of my baby. But I wasn't fine; part of me still lives in January 27, 1977.
And these anchors--My mom, Dorothy, October 1988. My grandpa, Ernie, October 1992. My dad, Buhl, November 1992, My stepmom, Kay, November 1992, My grandma Loretta, April 1993. My brother, Dale. My sister, Jennifer, February 2009. Pieces of me anchored in the past.
Then Mike. My second chance at life, at being happy and secure, at having someone to lean on and share life with. Died September 29, 2007.
What the hell now? How do I pull up those anchors and move forward?
No comments:
Post a Comment