#6: The Spaces in Between

I realized today while driving down the street that most of my life is pretty good--my work, playing with my friends, hanging out with my family. What needs work are the spaces in between those things, the times when it's just me, and I don't know what to do with myself. Watch tv? That's okay for a little bit, but it rots the brain. Read? LOVE to do that, but it doesn't feel productive or healthy when I spend hours and hours at it. Take the dog to the dog park? He loves it, and when the sun is shining it's great--but how often does that happen during the year? Eat? Mm-hmm, that's sure been working great for me! Clean house? Huh-uh. Okay, now what?

Art? Volunteer work? Work out? Meditation? Write? ???

Thoughts?

#5: In a Perfect World

Within reason, I can create for myself my perfect life. Oh, it will take effort, money, perseverence to accomplish changes, but anything is possible. If I can just figure out what I want my life to be.

Obviously, I'm not going to quit my job. I'm not gettin' any younger, and I'm planning on collecting my retirement in about seven years. But what happens then? And do I just wait seven years to start living my best life? I don't think so!

A few days ago, I started working on changing--a little bit. I decided that I deserve a comfortable, attractive office to work in at home...so I'm making one! Painted the walls "Cherry Blossom" PINK [because I CAN! It's my damned office!], bought a huge, new desk on Craig's List, painted the furniture white , bought cool lamps at Ikia--and I'm sitting here right now typing my blog! Priceless!

#4: Onward!

guilt
self-doubt
self-pity
weight
old age complaints

I may be healing a bit, because this crap looks like wallowing in self-pity, and I think I'm through with that shit. It's time to get on to the journey forward.

#3: Anchors--Part I

Downer Alert! I wrote this post last night, and after re-reading it this morning, I think it's only fair to warn you ahead of time that it's depressing. Don't say I didn't warn you!

It occurs to me that I might not be able to move forward in life, because there are so many things dragging me backward, things that have happened that I haven't moved away from--anchors. Death has created a petrified forest of anchors for me. The death of my husband, Jim Begier, has been a huge monolith, looming over everything in my life since he died so suddenly, so senselessly, so cataclysmically. What would my life have been like if he hadn't been ripped away from me? From my son, Ben? Friends and family were/are, caring, loving, but their own pain and loss left them stunned, helpless, speechless. Seeing my devastation must have been almost unbearable for them. So, I forced myself to be fine. I'm okay. I have to move on...deal with it...he's never coming back, and I have to live anyway. I have to take care of my baby. But I wasn't fine; part of me still lives in January 27, 1977.

And these anchors--My mom, Dorothy, October 1988. My grandpa, Ernie, October 1992. My dad, Buhl, November 1992, My stepmom, Kay, November 1992, My grandma Loretta, April 1993. My brother, Dale. My sister, Jennifer, February 2009. Pieces of me anchored in the past.

Then Mike. My second chance at life, at being happy and secure, at having someone to lean on and share life with. Died September 29, 2007.

What the hell now? How do I pull up those anchors and move forward?

#2: Excuses

My best excuses for not getting my life figured out:

• "I don't have time." Really? I log onto Fb 10 times a day, read several books a week, go to the dog park, watch god-knows how many hours of tv, text message my friends...but I don't have time to figure out my life? Avoiding the issue will ensure that my life remains at status quo...not bad, but not great either. Make the time to figure it out, Girl!
• "I don't have any money." For what?! I don't even know what in the hell I want to do!
• "My job consumes my life ten months of the year." Hmm...this is a pretty good one.  Got nothin'.
• "Change is scary!" So is wasting the rest of my life.
• "I'm alone." I really think I need to get over this one. I've got lots of friends and family who are always there for me when I need them...I guess I just need to reach out. But it's easier being the helper rather than the helped.

So what now?

#1: So...what the hell now?

The other day, I was talking to my friend Sue. She was visiting from San Francisco where she's living now and attending our 40th high school reunion--How the hell did that happen? How did 40 years flash by in the blink of an eye? As we sat on my front porch before the reunion, munching green things from my garden, we got to talking about some pretty important issues--including what we'd been doing with our lives for the past 40 years and what we wanted to do with our lives for the next 40 years (author's note: I did mention in my profile that I am "optimistic.") But I don't know what I want to do! What the hell do I do now?!? Sue said that writing every day has helped her figure out her life, and that I should try it. So here goes...this blog will be for my public writing. If I write anything in private that's fit for public viewing, I'll post it here.