Here it is is, New Year's Eve, at 11:24PM, according to the channel 4 TV Guide 2012 Retrospective. I had two invitations to social events with my friends this evening, yet here I sit with my television, a novel, a limited selection of snacks, my dogs and my computer. I used to feel lonely and forgotten when I found myself alone on holidays. But tonight I feel warm, and relaxed, and...unfettered. Is there something wrong with me?
I love hanging out with my buddies. I love people and playing games and sharing meals and laughing, laughing, laughing. But I find myself more and more engineering time to be alone. I wish I could say that when I'm alone I do crazy wonderfully creative things, like crank up the stereo and dance like no one is watching, or naked yoga, or paint or something, but I don't. I read. I eat...take a bath...nap...watch tv...read. And I enjoy this time. I haven't always enjoyed spending time with myself. There was a time, up until about a year or so ago, when I used to pace like a caged wild animal when I was alone, aching and empty, feeling sorry for myself, finding little jobs to do around the house so I wouldn't think about being alone. When I was younger and alone, I craved a mate. Craved! Thank God that's over! So am I more comfortable in my own skin now? Or am I becoming agoraphobic? I know I have a tendency to become a hermit in the winter, succumbing to the seasonal pull of hybernation. Is that what makes me hole up alone in my house, eating and farting and sleeping whenever the mood hits? Or am I just finding a little peace? Am I clinically depressed or self-actualized? Maybe a little bit of both?
