Have I Found Myself? Or Am I Clinically Depressed?

Here it is is, New Year's Eve, at 11:24PM, according to the channel 4 TV Guide 2012 Retrospective. I had two invitations to social events with my friends this evening, yet here I sit with my television, a novel, a limited selection of snacks, my dogs and my computer. I used to feel lonely and forgotten when I found myself alone on holidays. But tonight I feel warm, and relaxed, and...unfettered. Is there something wrong with me?

I love hanging out with my buddies. I love people and playing games and sharing meals and laughing, laughing, laughing. But I find myself more and more engineering time to be alone. I wish I could say that when I'm alone I do crazy wonderfully creative things, like crank up the stereo and dance like no one is watching, or naked yoga, or paint or something, but I don't. I read. I eat...take a bath...nap...watch tv...read.  And I enjoy this time. I haven't always enjoyed spending time with myself. There was a time, up until about a year or so ago, when I used to pace like a caged wild animal when I was alone, aching and empty, feeling sorry for myself, finding little jobs to do around the house so I wouldn't think about being alone. When I was younger and alone, I craved a mate. Craved! Thank God that's over! So am I more comfortable in my own skin now? Or am I becoming agoraphobic? I know I have a tendency to become a hermit in the winter, succumbing to the seasonal pull of hybernation. Is that what makes me hole up alone in my house, eating and farting and sleeping whenever the mood hits? Or am I just finding a little peace? Am I clinically depressed or self-actualized? Maybe a little bit of both?

#7 Annual Update

It's been a year, and not much has changed.  Still staggering blindly through life. Lots of good things in the past year, though...

I am the new librarian at Pacific MS! Here is a job that could quite possibly make me a very happy girl. I will be surrounded by books every day. I can talk about books with kids and teachers, read books, buy books, and help kids love books! Bliss!

My little nephew, Gunner, is now one and walking all over the place.

Ben is still going strong in college.

Molly is working and just moved into a house with room for the kids and dogs and guinea pig and cat to play.

I have new dog, Cooper, a Welsh Corgi that is a sweetheart.

I'm healthy, my garden is growing, all my kids are happy and healthy (with the exception of Ben's back), the weather is gorgeous, and I'm leaving with my girls in a few hours to the Oregon Gardens to PLAY and laugh all night...

Even though it's Friday the 13th, I am feeling like a very lucky lady.

#6: The Spaces in Between

I realized today while driving down the street that most of my life is pretty good--my work, playing with my friends, hanging out with my family. What needs work are the spaces in between those things, the times when it's just me, and I don't know what to do with myself. Watch tv? That's okay for a little bit, but it rots the brain. Read? LOVE to do that, but it doesn't feel productive or healthy when I spend hours and hours at it. Take the dog to the dog park? He loves it, and when the sun is shining it's great--but how often does that happen during the year? Eat? Mm-hmm, that's sure been working great for me! Clean house? Huh-uh. Okay, now what?

Art? Volunteer work? Work out? Meditation? Write? ???

Thoughts?

#5: In a Perfect World

Within reason, I can create for myself my perfect life. Oh, it will take effort, money, perseverence to accomplish changes, but anything is possible. If I can just figure out what I want my life to be.

Obviously, I'm not going to quit my job. I'm not gettin' any younger, and I'm planning on collecting my retirement in about seven years. But what happens then? And do I just wait seven years to start living my best life? I don't think so!

A few days ago, I started working on changing--a little bit. I decided that I deserve a comfortable, attractive office to work in at home...so I'm making one! Painted the walls "Cherry Blossom" PINK [because I CAN! It's my damned office!], bought a huge, new desk on Craig's List, painted the furniture white , bought cool lamps at Ikia--and I'm sitting here right now typing my blog! Priceless!

#4: Onward!

guilt
self-doubt
self-pity
weight
old age complaints

I may be healing a bit, because this crap looks like wallowing in self-pity, and I think I'm through with that shit. It's time to get on to the journey forward.

#3: Anchors--Part I

Downer Alert! I wrote this post last night, and after re-reading it this morning, I think it's only fair to warn you ahead of time that it's depressing. Don't say I didn't warn you!

It occurs to me that I might not be able to move forward in life, because there are so many things dragging me backward, things that have happened that I haven't moved away from--anchors. Death has created a petrified forest of anchors for me. The death of my husband, Jim Begier, has been a huge monolith, looming over everything in my life since he died so suddenly, so senselessly, so cataclysmically. What would my life have been like if he hadn't been ripped away from me? From my son, Ben? Friends and family were/are, caring, loving, but their own pain and loss left them stunned, helpless, speechless. Seeing my devastation must have been almost unbearable for them. So, I forced myself to be fine. I'm okay. I have to move on...deal with it...he's never coming back, and I have to live anyway. I have to take care of my baby. But I wasn't fine; part of me still lives in January 27, 1977.

And these anchors--My mom, Dorothy, October 1988. My grandpa, Ernie, October 1992. My dad, Buhl, November 1992, My stepmom, Kay, November 1992, My grandma Loretta, April 1993. My brother, Dale. My sister, Jennifer, February 2009. Pieces of me anchored in the past.

Then Mike. My second chance at life, at being happy and secure, at having someone to lean on and share life with. Died September 29, 2007.

What the hell now? How do I pull up those anchors and move forward?

#2: Excuses

My best excuses for not getting my life figured out:

• "I don't have time." Really? I log onto Fb 10 times a day, read several books a week, go to the dog park, watch god-knows how many hours of tv, text message my friends...but I don't have time to figure out my life? Avoiding the issue will ensure that my life remains at status quo...not bad, but not great either. Make the time to figure it out, Girl!
• "I don't have any money." For what?! I don't even know what in the hell I want to do!
• "My job consumes my life ten months of the year." Hmm...this is a pretty good one.  Got nothin'.
• "Change is scary!" So is wasting the rest of my life.
• "I'm alone." I really think I need to get over this one. I've got lots of friends and family who are always there for me when I need them...I guess I just need to reach out. But it's easier being the helper rather than the helped.

So what now?